story telling, speechs, and passion

So it all started a few hours ago when i stumbled into a video a friend of mine shared about the art of story telling. It then made me wander off into a video of Sarah Kay (you just gotta love youtube and their suggestions column; i feel they know me so well, haha). Who is she? Well, i must say she's the first and the best spoken word poet i have ever heard of! The first poem i listen to was called "If I should have a daughter". It was great, and it reminded me of a --maybe something some people called-- passion; that i use to have.

When i was in junior high school and high school i loved entering english speech contests. I joined speech contests, to story telling contests, (normal) debate contests and even a single (not in teams) debate contest; atau kalau kata Ayah dhilla sih "debat kusir" hehe. I didn't win in every contest i entered, but i can say i'm pretty good at it. I liked the winning part but i didn't like it when i was called up to come to the front of the flag ceremony in my junior high school to receive the trophy (it was the school tradition they had). Basically i don't like being the center of attention, but when it came to giving speechs i guess i didn't bother that much and actually enjoyed it.

I remember the first speech contest i entered was back when i was in my first year of junior high. The contest's theme was about animals. I choose to deliver a speech about my pet rabbit that recently died. I loved it; i love the feeling of having butterflies in my tummy as i waited and walked to the podium but then have them all gone once i start to open my mouth, i love the quick and exciting rush i got when i started to talk in front of the audience,  i loved seeing the faces of the audience as they listened to what i had to say. I loved the fact that in contests like these, a nobody like me was listened to. I didn't win anything in that contest, but from there, it started my addiction of entering in more and more contests.
Since then i thought that i had found my passion. Delivering speechs in english, having debates was something i enjoyed doing. I felt that in those times i could really express myself. I felt that i could express myself better when i used english rather than when i used Bahasa Indonesia. I felt i had more control of what i had to say, had more passion in what i was saying. So from there my dream was to go to university majoring in International Relations.
Things changed, dreams changed, I changed. And it turned out that i was destined not to be accepted in the international relations program in the university I wanted. I ended up going to another university majoring something totally different from international relations. The next year I tried the university entrance exam again and got accepted in an international relations program of another university but finally decided not to take it. And now here i am, in TUA, majoring in International Bio-business.

Currently, i might say i'm living my life with no certain passion. Yes, i lost it. :(
I wouldn't say i don't like what I'm studying about now, but i can't say i'm passionate about it either. I feel i'm the total opposite of my brother this way. He has passion, deep passion, for something that most people are against of. He went through all sorts of obstacles (and will be going through much more) to pursue this passion he has. He might have not achieved it yet, but at least he has something that can guide him to where he wants to be in the future. Passion that i just don't have -- yet.
The future is a complete mystery to me. Sometimes it's exciting, but for me, more terrifying.
I know what i like, i know what i enjoy doing, but i guess i just haven't found the passion (again).
Of course i have a goal for life, but a goal and passion is just not the same.